Some Days it Be that Way | iHanuman


Love, Service, Devotion, Yoga

Some Days it Be that Way

Maybe this post will be a little too forward, but in the interest of learning and growing I felt I had to share an experience from today. I know that as I continue on my journey to do good, live good, and be good, these karmas will continue to work themselves out and I will eventually find myself closer to my dharma. This is me, being the Capricous Yogi that I am.
I had a really unpleasant day at work today and for the first time, in a very long time, I couldn't catch my breath. I spent the entire day on high alert and beyond stressed. I did everything I could think of to calm my nerves. I took conscious breaths, went for a walk, left the office for a bit, and listened to calming music. At one point, I found myself in the corner of the empty conference room, balled up in Balasana (child's pose) while the tears welled in my eyes, trying to slow down my breath pace and ease my anxiety.
I suppose it all started at work a month or so ago when I was put in a really tough spot with a particular program I manage. The short version: because of some unfortunate events, what we [the organization] promised would happen, might not and every day I feel like I'm misleading people even though I had nothing to do with the initial problem. This does not sit well with me on many levels as I don't like to lie and it clearly conflicts with the practice of Satya [truthfulness]. I often ask for guidance on how to remedy the situation, get none, do my best to fix what I can and then end up having my hand slapped. There is support from others, but in general, I feel like I'm teetering out on this crazy cliff every day with no safety net to catch me.
I do my best to remind myself that it's just a job and to not take it seriously; ironically something I often find myself saying in class. I am truly grateful to be gainfully employed, to finally have health insurance and to be able to feed, clothe, and house myself, but there are days, like today, when I stop and question if this is where I'm meant to be.
I try to focus on the things that make me happy; writing, teaching, my relationship, friends, family, my sadhana through meditation, pranayama and asana. I set up a holiday gift drive at work to feel more engaged and activated at the office. I practice seeing only love and honoring the abundance in my life, but some days the fluctuations get the best of me and I feel so far away from where I've been. We all go through this, I'm sure, and I have faith that all will work out in the end but, how do I make this work? And if won't work, how do I find what will work?
I am a true believer that we are never given anything we can't handle, but when do know that enough is enough? I know my job does not make me who I am, but I ask, how can I be who I am if I'm not proud of what I'm doing?


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